The laymen’s guide to not getting COVID-19 in the Kouga

Some “scientifically” backed advice on how to not get COVID-19 while in our region.
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In the light of the latest restrictions, the so-called “second wave” (thankfully we have people who keep track of these things), and the rest of 2020, I thought it a good idea, based on the sound “scientific” advice from those “smarter” thinkers among us, to draw up a guide to avoid contracting COVID-19 in our region.

It’s a short list, so let’s jump in…

Stop breathing

Maybe not so obvious, but when you stop breathing you gain the benefit of not being able to contract any viral disease, including COVID-19.

Of course, you need to stop breathing for long enough.

How long is long enough?

Essentially, when someone declares you dead, you know you’ve stopped breathing long enough to not get COVID-19.

Anything past that would be considered excessive. So once your heart has stopped beating for a few hours, you may attempt to start breathing again. Just be aware that, once you start breathing again, you will run the risk of contracting viral diseases like COVID-19.

Skip church

One of the DEADLIEST places to contract COVID-19 is a church building. According to trustworthy eyewitnesses, the virus leaches out of the walls of any place where people gather to perform the inane act of bringing worship to a higher power.

Thankfully, the virus scorns casinos.

Speculation has it that it might be because Coronavirus prefers intelligent company.

Whatever the reason, you’ll be glad to know it’s safe to sit like a drooling zombie and gamble your money away at the casino.

Just NEVER go to a church service. You might die.

Get a fishing license

Until not too long ago it was safe for most people to go to the beach.

But that changed. Somehow the virus heard about all the health benefits to be enjoyed by visiting a clean beach and decided to target these God-given areas of rest.

It wasn’t long before the virus left a trail of bodies as far as the eye could see down Kabeljauws.

The curious thing was, most, although not all, fishermen were immune to the virus.

First some locals speculated that it was the type of fish you targeted that determined the virus’ attitude towards you; some said it was all about the gear. Finally it was revealed that the virus fears a fishing license.

A group of brave fishermen willing to sacrifice their lives during this most serious of plagues armed themselves with nothing more than fishing licenses, fishing rods and fishing reels, and entered the beach zone after their loved ones gave them a final goodbye.

The group was visibly shaken when Coronavirus started champing at their heels, but was comforted when the little devil started screeching, its face contorted with fear, and retreated the moment they waved their fishing licenses at it, proving that fishing is indeed one of the safest sports in the world.

Run to your table

Extensive research has shown that the virus lurks in restaurant isles, ferociously attacking people on their way to their tables.

The best approach to not contracting any viral infection when out at a restaurant, is to run to your table as if you’re fleeing from a murderer.

Pay no attention to your surrounds; pay no mind to that old lady approaching you. Run her out of the ground if you must. There’s a vicious virus on your heels and it will destroy you unless you slam your hand onto your table and utter those ancient Afrikaans salvific words, “blok myself!”

Then you may take your seat and remove your mask, safe in the knowledge that the virus is powerless against your incantation.

In conclusion

I hope these guidelines help keep you and your loved ones safe from the tyrannical rule of the virus that’s stripping our region (and our country).

Sterkte, and God bless. Unless, of course, you’re an atheist, in which case I want to say, God bless.

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